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| I am so confused with life. like so completely and totally trashed, I swear nothing is seeming quite so amazing as it once did. i am so discontent. what am i doing? i'm not going to get what i want by doing what i am doing. doing what i'm doing is safe though. safe is good. end result is bad, boring mediocre life. !!!! its so embarrassing to feel unhappy I suppose for some reason. But see I'm doing it all I am expected of and more, but just not the way I want to do it.
I wonder if all this dissatisfaction stems from the row with my friends. If so, maybe that's a good thing in the end. This dissatisfaction just might drive me places I wouldn't reach otherwise. I'd like to think that I respond to things by rising above them.
today i compared euripedies to sartre, and found it so unfathomably brilliant that i'm scared i will become too nihilistic. maybe that is just what happens to cartesians. | | |
| Hm, I tend to turn back to writing in this business when I am questioning myself. sigh.
I finished my play. I was only disappointed with one thing though: only two out of the eight girls I live with came to see me in my starring role.
I spent three hours a day or more, every day of the week, even weekends, from november through january, rehearsing. I still made time for everything else, but they still knew I was gone, they knew how important it was to me, they all said they were coming and were very excited.
they had five opportunities to come see it.
Instead they decided to get drunk and hang out with the boys upstairs they are attracted to, which is what they do every weekend without fail.
seriously?
I guess that I would just never see myself doing something like that. Ever. It really makes me doubt any sort of bonds which I have to these people. It makes me want to leave, it makes me feel like I have so many fewer friends than I thought. And really, I can't come up with a rational excuse for this, I can't. The only obvious cause of this is selfishness.
You know, acting has a few benefits. You create something. You challenge yourself. You learn about people, about the world, about history, about philosophy. That in of itself balances out the time and effort put in. But what would be even better is to have people love it, to enjoy it, to think you did superbly. This then makes up for the physical and emotional act of playing the role. But still, when you act, you give over something more. You give up your private thoughts, your body sometimes, everything is made public. To counter that exposure, all you want is to know that those who know you best are there to ground you, are there to support you whether you fail or exceed. These are the people who should be there to hold the string which keeps you from flying away into a character world, a material world, to neverland. To have someone claim you as a person, and not just an actor, is necessary. I needed that each time, and I didn't always get it. My family came, a few friends from class came, but the people I live with, am in a so-called family with, as they are my year long sorority sisters, they failed me. And it does hurt to have all that time and energy and feeling and possible humiliation just wasted, devalued.
This puts thoughts in my head, makes me wonder about my friendships. This then extends to the rest of my life, I wonder at school, as to what I am doing here, no real aim other than to learn, socialize, and act. There is nothing I want to do in my life other than act. And that is just depressing, because it is unrealistic, and I am painfully aware of that. So I put myself through hell to get a degree in something I don't want and won't use, and then I might even extend that to graduate schooling, only to try and get in to the yale school of acting, probably to be turned down because I waste my time in school. And I am too old to become an actor now. And I can't do anything now, not with being so out of shape, and since I can't do anything real I confine myself to amateur productions, I will never become great working with that grade, and it is laughable to see it on a resume. I will never do what I want. I can't see how to do it.
If I really want it, I am going to have to make some hard decisions. And I will have to risk a lot. And I will literally have to go through a gauntlet to get anywhere near even trying to reach my goal.
started this as a complaint... and ended it as a prequel to a pep-talk
I'm going to bed, hopefully I won't be so crazy in the morning. | | |
| so today my childhood friend Christie got married. yes, married. and not to someone her age, and not because she was pregnant. no. legitimate traditional wedding, performed in front of hundreds of people. Her father, a pastor, wed them. He is a grad student, she is a junior.
I don't know how I feel about it. Not so much about them really, more about myself. I guess I have just reached that point where getting married isn't so far out of the question. Perhaps it seems so surreal to me now if only because these days people are getting married in their late thirties and forties. Well, what is important, love or our career? I mean perhaps you just didn't meet the right person, or you weren't ready. Okay, I should stop.
It is just interesting to be around all of this. My sister is married, and my brother is engaged. My mom was making new stockings for everyone and called down half jokingly to my sister "I'm making a stocking for gigi's future husband" She had extra material. Hold up already! There will probably be a grandchild from one of your other children before I get married. haha, oh well, i'll let them have their fun. But inevitably, as a woman, being at a wedding makes me think of my wedding. hm. not that i would have to do much other than make decisions for colors with the women in my family, they jump at things like that haha.
marriage. being with one person forever. i can totally feel that right now, haha, i'm having a ridiculous fantasy now. | | |
| So, I am the most tired person ever right now, but I want to write before I drop off into a much needed sleep.
Tuesday I took my philosophy final early, because I didnt want to stay until thursday. I couldnt get in contact with my professor and finally called once I had waited in the classroom only to descover I should have gone to his office. Ah, the test was fine, but right now I am just being very weird, I dont know what it is. Perhaps staying up for extended amounts of time makes you think you just keep thinking about the same thing because you have been awake so long... but I dont think thats what this is. I am so ridiculous, I cant help feeling sad that I wont see mr sigrist again. I dont know the guy really, I mean he is so obviously intelligent, and funny, and quirky, but that is how i know him as a teacher. I couldnt stop myself from emailing him and asking him to come see my play. I mean I guess it really isnt that big of a deal that I invited him, or that I am attracted to him, he isnt that much older anyway... but knowing that i could never take any real action to show interest- of only because I am a student and would probably be take as just some strange girl- is so strange for me. I am pretty active in showing how I feel about people. I dont even know what to call this. Everything is so abstract. It is like I can clearly remember first seeing him, and I just feel a breath. And when we speak I feel like all the particles in the air are sort pulsing from side to side, quivering. Nothing else really comes through except these types of images, probably because I have never really had a conversation with him. Ha! look how silly I am being. I see myself feeling a connection to someone a barely know, but I still dont care. I will just be silly.
This guy asked me out back at home, I guess I'm going. I just feel so noncommittal towards all the surrounding guys.
So anyhow. I had stayed up until three studying for philosophy, and woke up at seven.
The next day I took the exam, went and cleaned my room and packed then learned art history in one night, going to bed at four, and waking up at seven. When I woke up I went and took the exam, went back to my dorm, finished preparing to leave. Got on the metro from DC to Baltimore, which took an hour. took a bus to bwi for 30 min (which kate was on! yay kate! yay conversation!) left for atlanta at 6:30. Got in and then left for NC at 10:30. I then got home at 12:30. I stayed up writing my philosophy paper until two after talking to my parents for a bit. The next morning (this morning!) I woke up at seven and wrote my paper, which was due at 10:20.
Now it is past midnight. I have had 11 hours of sleep for the past three nights combined! ah!
and now i get to wake up to take my mom to work and then go to the dentist
well, i've never had a cavity.
...
CHRISTMAS! | | |
| ah, home soon.
so my friend A and I were at a frat party at the beginning of the year and a guy came up to me and said that his friend wanted to dance with me but he was to shy to ask. so I being spiky told him that if his firend wanted to dance with me he could ask me himself. Then I found out that he really did want to dance with me, his friend was super sweet and just looking out for his shy friend who is from france, and very attractive and tall. so I ended up talking to them for awhile and then left with my friends.
flash forward a few months, I have forgotten about it, even though my friend A got the french guy's friend's number and they texted about us.
Suddenl;y A gets messages asking about me from an unknown number, asking where I am.
my friend G that night while we are at a party on our campus says hey, A is bringing some guys up here.
Then she says, it is the french guy and his friend, and I need to go get ready.
I go to my room, confused and A is knocking on it automatically. I open the door, and there they are.
how ridiculous. oh well, he is cute. we went upstairs to where the party was, but it was over, so A says we should go back to the other campus and get crepes. So i get on the bus, and A just doesn't. we wait for her, I call her. She says she said she was not going, so I abandon my admirer and get off the bus and go back to my room. No way was I going alone with them, even if they were really nice. And apparently my cute frenchman is intelligent, imagine that! We talked about movies, and he fooled me with a riddle....
He added me on facebook, well we all know that speaks of real emotion hahaha
It is all so silly
maybe we will even end up "talking" as the new term is for people who are dating but are such relationship phobes as to not use the word even, because the term "boyfriend" is now becoming equivalent to "husband" I think.
I am against this term.
but will likely end up using it when we do.
I really, am concerned right now about whether I want to tell mr sigrist, I feel like I have to, it is part of my personality!
arg
I don't even know how old he is, he will laugh if I tell him, or at least he will think I am just a kid.
I know it is really weird of me to be taking this seriously, but I can't help it! | | |
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